Why can't we be real?

Let's be honest. We all need someone we can be "real" with. I need to be real. I need to be able to remove the mask and reveal who I really am. I have been living too long hidden behind what you think I am. I need to be real without feeling judged or ridiculed. I need someone to listen. I need to share my hopes, dreams, fears, struggles and triumphs instead of hiding them inside. I am human and yes I do make mistakes. I can't be the perfect wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend all the time.

What if we were real??? We all need that someone that we can be ourselves around. That friend that is there no matter what and will tell us how it is but continue to love us. I need to confide in you as I struggle day to day with all the ups and downs of being an adoptive mommy to these three boys. I need a shoulder to lean on as I walk through this season called parenthood. Will you please let me be real? I need a real friend  so I can be real too.  

The Strong-willed child

Wow!  Wow is really all I can manage to say.  Over the last few weeks we have been struggling with a very strong-willed 5 year old.  I should have known he would turn out like this when he refused to sleep as a baby, or when he was running down the hallway at the hospital just hours after he got his tonsils out and ripped his IV right out of his arm when he was 2.  I should have known he would be strong willed when he would tell me exactly what cup he wanted to drink his milk out of and would not have it any other way or wanted to still take a bottle to bed with him even after he was too old for it. I have worn myself out with the struggle of trying to get him to calm down and not be the 5 headed monster he seems to have become when he does not get his way.  Almost daily I find myself crumbled in a ball on the floor with tears of exhaustion and feelings of failure.  Almost daily I find myself whispering prayers to God to help me to not loose my cool and to help me handle him at all.  Gosh, motherhood is hard!  It is the most exhausting, non-glamourous job anyone could have.  I have taken the abuse.  I have been kicked, hit, spit at, hated and told to leave all in one day!  I love my kids with all my heart and always thought I would be the perfect mom (well not perfect but at least great).  I have news for you all...definitely not happening.  Daily I seem to fail my children in one way or another.  Don't give them enough time and attention, yell too much, or love to little.  I know though that there is only one person who will never fail them.  I can only ask for patience and strength to get me through these times.  I will still fail my kids, probably daily but I am reassured that no matter what happens God will never fail them. In the meantime I will continue to ask God to give me what I need to get through this season (oh I hope it is a season and not a lifetime!)  

The Zombie ate my brain...

Wow has it been a while since I last posted.  Life totally gets away from you when you are having fun! I can officially say I am worn out and TIRED (maybe feeling even a bit Zombie-like).  Our lives have been so crazy over the last few months.  My little boy turned 5 at the beginning of February.  Little Jackson...how boring would life be without you!  You make us laugh, you make us cry, you make us question our sanity a lot of the time but you also make us wonder how different and boring life would be without you!  You are one special little man and we thank God for bringing you into our lives each and every day (well maybe not on the days when you seem to push every one of our buttons-just kidding!) Now the tired and stuff...The boys are at THOSE ages now.  The ages when they seem to push every button and test every rule and talk back when you tell them anything. They are constantly arguing and whining that one might have something they did not get.  Please tell me this is just a phase and they will grow out of it.  They are 7 and 5 and I swear at times I think zombies might have come and eaten their brains because they seem to not think things through. We have had the same rules in this house since existence but they must be Greek to my guys. But Jordan has been such a good helper lately.  He takes the dog out, feeds and waters him and does the morning routine now almost always without a reminder. Both of the older boys love their little brother and always want to hug him and help him whenever they can.  I am thankful for that!  My little, littlest one has had an ear infection for 2 weeks now (round 2 of antibiotics here we are!) and he has not been sleeping which means that us parents have not been sleeping either. Let me just tell you, sleep deprived parents and hyperactive children are not a good combination! Tempers flare, tears get shed and misery is had by all.  I have had my moments when I feel like a bad mom but lately I feel like I yell too much and my fuse is far too short. I am trying really hard to step back and breathe but in the moment that is so hard to do.  My kids are really good kids but they just have so much energy (if only I could bottle some up for myself for days like today when I am running on 2 hours of sleep-oh well).  Everyone goes through a season and right now our season is craziness but we will move into a new season and take life from there.  Pray for me though that I can keep my sanity to move into the next season!

Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."

From the mouth of a 4 year old

So I had a not so good day today and wanted to brighten it by jotting down some things from the mouth of my 4 year old.  He never ceases to amaze me!

So it is no secret that my children are adopted.  God has blessed us and entrusted us to take care of these boys and to raise them in a God-centered house. They both are amazing boys with very different personalities...very different!  I have one child that is on the go constantly, who is very athletic, likes to get dirty, and loves his momma and I have one child who is very sensitive and emotional, could sit and watch hours of tv if we let him, would rather play video games than throw a ball, and wants to be like his daddy.

Now that they are getting older I have been talking more about their "birth"moms and  their adoption stories as a whole.  I  have shown them pictures of their "birth moms" and explained their situations.  Jackson is the most curious when he sees pregnant women and asks "why don't you have a baby in your belly mommy?"  I had to explain to him that I can't have babies in my belly so mommy and daddy "adopt" and take care of kids whose birth mommies and daddies aren't able to take care of them.  I told him that him and his brother are special because mommy and daddy hand picked them to be ours and that makes them special.

Fast forward a few months to a normal day.  We are driving in the car to some not important destination listening to the radio when Jackson says, "Mommy I am glad you picked me."  I had to ask him what he was referring to.  He told me when he was a baby he was glad that I "picked" him to be my baby.  He told me that he loves that I am his mommy and that he is a part of this family.  Let me tell you that I just about fell out of my chair and ran right off the road.  That just about melted my heart right there!  If you don't think that your children can understand things you are completely wrong and when you think they are not listening they really are and they know how to turn an uneventful day into a day you will never forget.

Then being the 4 year old he is the next day he was playing and he packed his little rolling suitcase and told me he was leaving because "daddy said he didn't want me here anymore" (we all know that is completely untrue!).  He proceeded to take his favorite toys and head to the screen door to make sure I knew he was serious about leaving.  He got about 2 steps out the door when I asked him where he was going to go and that mommy and daddy would be very, very sad if he left us.  He broke into tears and said "Just kidding mommy.  I couldn't leave you. I'm your baby." We both had a few tears in our eyes at that point.  And I thought my oldest was the emotional one!

I wanted to put these into words so that I would always be able to remember them (even though I don't think I will forget them.)

A little late

It has been quite the eventful month at the Miller house!  I unfortunately have not had my mind on jotting anything down for the blog.  I haven't seemed to find the time.  We survived being exposed to whooping cough, influenza, and hand foot and mouth with just a few minor hiccups along the way.  We got through a few ear infections in the 2 youngest of the bunch and survived high fevers for a few days in Jackson and Jordan.  Wow!  We sound really unhealthy don't we?!?  I am really not good with sick kids (Matt probably wanted the kids to get better sooner just so I would stop complaining-as I am a HUGE hypocondriac and HATE sickness!!!) but we made it.  I was really freaked out at one point when Jackson got sick because if you know him you know he doesn't stop (for anything) EVER and when he spiked the fever all he wanted to do was lay on the couch and close his eyes and cuddle with his momma.  Don't get me wrong-I love when he wants to cuddle but for him to want to actually lay on the couch and not do anything...that is totally unlike him.  I knew something was wrong and I got super worried and emotional.  To top it off that morning he was riding his scooter and fell off and bumped his head.  I of course was thinking the worst and thought he had a concussion and that is why he was all lathargic and wanted to lay around.  We had also already been at the doctor that morning to run the test for whooping cough to make sure that they didn't have that and found out he had the startings of an ear infection.  It was quite the day to say the least!  So when he spiked his fever he got a bad headache and I rushed him to the urgent care clinic up the road.  It ended up that he just had a virus which he then shared with his older brother 1 day later.  The doctor in urgent care thought I was a nut job at how concerned and a little bit dramatic I was being but we had a lot going on with the whooping cough, ear infection and possible concussion on our hands and I had sick kids and it was taking its toll on me mentally!  I will admit I did shed a few tears when Jackson came to me crying and said "Mommy my head really hurts-please make it stop!"  As a mom I felt helpless-I wish I could always heal his pains and take the hurt away but I can't.  All I can do is love him through it!  So we had 3 days of fevers up and down for both of them (fortunately or unfortunately not at the same time) some "ginormic" throw up (as Jackson would describe it when he got sick) but we made it through it.  I guess it could have been a LOT worse!

Onto Mother's Day...we went to church in the morning (Matt and Jackson went to get breakfast and came back with some pretty flowers and a card that Jackson had picked out) and then went over by my sister's house to see her family, and my parents and have lunch.  The kids got to play and we just hung outside because it was such a nice day!  It was really nice but short as we had to get the kids home to take a nap so we could visit Matt's mom later.  I actually got to take a nap myself which I don't do very often! Then we went to my Mother-in-laws and had dinner.  The kids love seeing their cousins and were pretty wiped out by the end of the day with all the running around with both sets of cousins.  It is nice to get the families together and we are very fortunate that we can do that even though at times it can seem a bit overwhelming!  Overall it was a nice Mother's Day and Matt did an awesome job of letting me sit back to enjoy it! 

There is probably more that I am missing since my last update but it is escaping me now.  Onto hopefully more healthy posts in the future.  

Is there an instruction manual anywhere??

Wow...I am so emotionally/mentally drained.  Over the last few weeks I feel as if I have been pulled in hundreds of different directions with too many things on my mind-and not enough time in a day.  I mentioned in my last post about a really tough decision my husband and I needed to make and the ups and downs of dealing with making the decision has really taken its toll on me.  Still no definitive answer...not sure if there is one.  Here both answers seem to be the wrong one!  I am not sure how to know which choice is right.  Just writing about it makes me tired...it seems the most important thing to remember is that I need to take care of my family and do what is best for all of us.  I need to take care of US first and foremost.   My biggest problem is that I want to try and save the world...but I can't and will fall short of that as there is only one true SAVIOR.  As my grandma told me when I asked her how I know which answer is right-she said we need to pray about it, make our decision, move on knowing what we decided was best and have no regrets. No shoulda, coulda, wouldas...now if only I could take that advice.  Those words are easier said than done.  Would anyone like to make the decision for me?  It would be so nice for someone to say "Brynn this is what you should do..." and "this is how it will turn out..."and I could know the outcome and have peace.  I know there are no guarantees in life but wouldn't things be so much easier if there were?  Can I get an instruction manual over here to give me a step by step?  Or maybe cliff notes to the life of Brynn Miller that can sum up everything in my life?  Wouldn't that be nice!  I will just continue to pray, trust that God will take care of everyone and everything and hope the decision gets easier.  The one thing that has helped lately has been that the weather here has been unseasonably warm and it has taken my mind off of these things for a bit to focus on the beauty and newness Spring brings.  I am such a warm weather person and this time of year brings such happiness!  I love seeing the budding trees and smelling the first blossoms!  How beautiful creation is!

The Battle within

My husband and I have a HUGE decision to make that will change our lives and we are so torn as to how we want to go.  The prayer of guidance seems to be all that is on our minds right now!  The thing I struggle with the most is deciphering the difference between what my head is telling me to do and what my heart/God is telling me to do.  How can I tell the difference?  I think my selfishness overpowers the part of me that has reason.  There are so very many selfish/unselfish reasons to continue on as we currently are and there are so many very unselfish/selfish reasons to embark down the new path.  I only want what is best for my family and hope that in all this that is what comes out of it.  My prayer today and this week is for peace to know that the decision that we make is the right one and for wisdom to make the right choice.  I wish I could dive into details here but for many reasons I can't share the situation on the worldwide web.  If curiosity gets the best of you I would be happy to share with you offline!  I could use the ears.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers this week!  We could definitely use them!