From the mouth of a 4 year old

So I had a not so good day today and wanted to brighten it by jotting down some things from the mouth of my 4 year old.  He never ceases to amaze me!

So it is no secret that my children are adopted.  God has blessed us and entrusted us to take care of these boys and to raise them in a God-centered house. They both are amazing boys with very different personalities...very different!  I have one child that is on the go constantly, who is very athletic, likes to get dirty, and loves his momma and I have one child who is very sensitive and emotional, could sit and watch hours of tv if we let him, would rather play video games than throw a ball, and wants to be like his daddy.

Now that they are getting older I have been talking more about their "birth"moms and  their adoption stories as a whole.  I  have shown them pictures of their "birth moms" and explained their situations.  Jackson is the most curious when he sees pregnant women and asks "why don't you have a baby in your belly mommy?"  I had to explain to him that I can't have babies in my belly so mommy and daddy "adopt" and take care of kids whose birth mommies and daddies aren't able to take care of them.  I told him that him and his brother are special because mommy and daddy hand picked them to be ours and that makes them special.

Fast forward a few months to a normal day.  We are driving in the car to some not important destination listening to the radio when Jackson says, "Mommy I am glad you picked me."  I had to ask him what he was referring to.  He told me when he was a baby he was glad that I "picked" him to be my baby.  He told me that he loves that I am his mommy and that he is a part of this family.  Let me tell you that I just about fell out of my chair and ran right off the road.  That just about melted my heart right there!  If you don't think that your children can understand things you are completely wrong and when you think they are not listening they really are and they know how to turn an uneventful day into a day you will never forget.

Then being the 4 year old he is the next day he was playing and he packed his little rolling suitcase and told me he was leaving because "daddy said he didn't want me here anymore" (we all know that is completely untrue!).  He proceeded to take his favorite toys and head to the screen door to make sure I knew he was serious about leaving.  He got about 2 steps out the door when I asked him where he was going to go and that mommy and daddy would be very, very sad if he left us.  He broke into tears and said "Just kidding mommy.  I couldn't leave you. I'm your baby." We both had a few tears in our eyes at that point.  And I thought my oldest was the emotional one!

I wanted to put these into words so that I would always be able to remember them (even though I don't think I will forget them.)

A little late

It has been quite the eventful month at the Miller house!  I unfortunately have not had my mind on jotting anything down for the blog.  I haven't seemed to find the time.  We survived being exposed to whooping cough, influenza, and hand foot and mouth with just a few minor hiccups along the way.  We got through a few ear infections in the 2 youngest of the bunch and survived high fevers for a few days in Jackson and Jordan.  Wow!  We sound really unhealthy don't we?!?  I am really not good with sick kids (Matt probably wanted the kids to get better sooner just so I would stop complaining-as I am a HUGE hypocondriac and HATE sickness!!!) but we made it.  I was really freaked out at one point when Jackson got sick because if you know him you know he doesn't stop (for anything) EVER and when he spiked the fever all he wanted to do was lay on the couch and close his eyes and cuddle with his momma.  Don't get me wrong-I love when he wants to cuddle but for him to want to actually lay on the couch and not do anything...that is totally unlike him.  I knew something was wrong and I got super worried and emotional.  To top it off that morning he was riding his scooter and fell off and bumped his head.  I of course was thinking the worst and thought he had a concussion and that is why he was all lathargic and wanted to lay around.  We had also already been at the doctor that morning to run the test for whooping cough to make sure that they didn't have that and found out he had the startings of an ear infection.  It was quite the day to say the least!  So when he spiked his fever he got a bad headache and I rushed him to the urgent care clinic up the road.  It ended up that he just had a virus which he then shared with his older brother 1 day later.  The doctor in urgent care thought I was a nut job at how concerned and a little bit dramatic I was being but we had a lot going on with the whooping cough, ear infection and possible concussion on our hands and I had sick kids and it was taking its toll on me mentally!  I will admit I did shed a few tears when Jackson came to me crying and said "Mommy my head really hurts-please make it stop!"  As a mom I felt helpless-I wish I could always heal his pains and take the hurt away but I can't.  All I can do is love him through it!  So we had 3 days of fevers up and down for both of them (fortunately or unfortunately not at the same time) some "ginormic" throw up (as Jackson would describe it when he got sick) but we made it through it.  I guess it could have been a LOT worse!

Onto Mother's Day...we went to church in the morning (Matt and Jackson went to get breakfast and came back with some pretty flowers and a card that Jackson had picked out) and then went over by my sister's house to see her family, and my parents and have lunch.  The kids got to play and we just hung outside because it was such a nice day!  It was really nice but short as we had to get the kids home to take a nap so we could visit Matt's mom later.  I actually got to take a nap myself which I don't do very often! Then we went to my Mother-in-laws and had dinner.  The kids love seeing their cousins and were pretty wiped out by the end of the day with all the running around with both sets of cousins.  It is nice to get the families together and we are very fortunate that we can do that even though at times it can seem a bit overwhelming!  Overall it was a nice Mother's Day and Matt did an awesome job of letting me sit back to enjoy it! 

There is probably more that I am missing since my last update but it is escaping me now.  Onto hopefully more healthy posts in the future.  

Is there an instruction manual anywhere??

Wow...I am so emotionally/mentally drained.  Over the last few weeks I feel as if I have been pulled in hundreds of different directions with too many things on my mind-and not enough time in a day.  I mentioned in my last post about a really tough decision my husband and I needed to make and the ups and downs of dealing with making the decision has really taken its toll on me.  Still no definitive answer...not sure if there is one.  Here both answers seem to be the wrong one!  I am not sure how to know which choice is right.  Just writing about it makes me tired...it seems the most important thing to remember is that I need to take care of my family and do what is best for all of us.  I need to take care of US first and foremost.   My biggest problem is that I want to try and save the world...but I can't and will fall short of that as there is only one true SAVIOR.  As my grandma told me when I asked her how I know which answer is right-she said we need to pray about it, make our decision, move on knowing what we decided was best and have no regrets. No shoulda, coulda, wouldas...now if only I could take that advice.  Those words are easier said than done.  Would anyone like to make the decision for me?  It would be so nice for someone to say "Brynn this is what you should do..." and "this is how it will turn out..."and I could know the outcome and have peace.  I know there are no guarantees in life but wouldn't things be so much easier if there were?  Can I get an instruction manual over here to give me a step by step?  Or maybe cliff notes to the life of Brynn Miller that can sum up everything in my life?  Wouldn't that be nice!  I will just continue to pray, trust that God will take care of everyone and everything and hope the decision gets easier.  The one thing that has helped lately has been that the weather here has been unseasonably warm and it has taken my mind off of these things for a bit to focus on the beauty and newness Spring brings.  I am such a warm weather person and this time of year brings such happiness!  I love seeing the budding trees and smelling the first blossoms!  How beautiful creation is!

The Battle within

My husband and I have a HUGE decision to make that will change our lives and we are so torn as to how we want to go.  The prayer of guidance seems to be all that is on our minds right now!  The thing I struggle with the most is deciphering the difference between what my head is telling me to do and what my heart/God is telling me to do.  How can I tell the difference?  I think my selfishness overpowers the part of me that has reason.  There are so very many selfish/unselfish reasons to continue on as we currently are and there are so many very unselfish/selfish reasons to embark down the new path.  I only want what is best for my family and hope that in all this that is what comes out of it.  My prayer today and this week is for peace to know that the decision that we make is the right one and for wisdom to make the right choice.  I wish I could dive into details here but for many reasons I can't share the situation on the worldwide web.  If curiosity gets the best of you I would be happy to share with you offline!  I could use the ears.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers this week!  We could definitely use them!

Lesson of the Week:Life is short-don't sweat the small stuff and my weekly mission

Last week there was a very tragic accident in our town and 3 people lost their lives because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  A teenage daughter lost her parents and was left alone at a very crucial age.  My heart breaks for this girl!  I hear a lot of tragic stories but for some reason this one has stuck with me and I have not stopped thinking about it all week.  Maybe because people I know were friends of the family who suffered the loss.  It made me realize how very short our lives may be.  God had my life planned out up to when I take my last breath even before I was born.  Psalm 139:16 "You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe.  Every day was recorded in your Book!"  How scary and awesome all at the same time!  I cannot change when it is my time to die-but I can change the way I live.  I realized this week that I can't control everything.  I don't need to worry about everything, try to perfect everything, and try to control everything.  There are so many things out of my control but God has them under control.  I am where He wants me to be right now and I have realized that He is in control.  I am going to savor each moment with my husband and children, love them like they have never been loved before and let them know how much I love them as often as I can.  I don't know when it is my time but I don't want to have any regrets.  I want my family to know how thankful I am for everyday that I am given to share my life with them.  I don't want to worry about the trivial things that come tomorrow won't matter anymore.  I am going to live for today.
 
This is my mission for the week-I'm not going to lie-I have been a pretty negative person lately and I don't want the negativity to consume me any longer.  I want to be more positive and be able to see the good things even though there may be a lot of not-so good things going on.  I want to yell less and love more!  I want to be the positive influence in the lives of everyone around me.  It is a constant battle with me to win out over the negativity-only God can help me get past it.  So this week I am going to ask for His help daily to find the positive in everything and hopefully this will help me to be a more positive person overall.       

Jackson is 4 Today!!!

Well today is my baby's 4th birthday.  It is unbelievable that a little less than 4 years ago we became a family and were off to meet our baby.  Our lives have been forever changed.  Let me tell you a little bit about our Jackson.  He was a happy baby who really did not like to sleep much at all.  He was an early talker but a really late walker.  He hated tummy time and as much as I tried to get him to be on his stomach he would scream (little did I know that this would turn into pure stubbornness as he got older).  This not liking tummy time turned into not wanting to crawl like other babies so his famous move became to sit on his butt and use his legs to "scoot" around the house.  It was really quite a site to see him scoot around the house to get what he wanted!  Once he started walking at about 16 months (actually he started running, there was no walking about it) he did not stop!  He is too smart and so funny and is very athletic.  He is constantly on the go!  He says the funniest things sometimes and he adores his momma (which I love).  He loves to play cars and pretend he is a super hero and wants constant attention and someone to play with.  He is such a blessing and we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves if he was not in our lives!  We thank God everyday for our children and the blessings they bring us!  We are so lucky to be able to share their lives with them!

Happy Birthday Jackson Ryan!  Mommy and Daddy love you so much and are so proud of the boy you are growing into.  We pray that you continue to grow up to love God and trust him and that we can instill in you the values that our parents instilled in us!  I hope you have an awesome birthday!  I am so glad that I get to spend the whole day with you today!!!

May every year get better and better!!!

"This is your life"

Every time I hear this song it pulls at my heart and I feel like it is speaking right to me.  It ties into my first post but I heard it again today and wanted to share it. 


"This is your life" by Switchfoot
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

I have to ask myself if I am who I want to be.  The simple answer is no.  I am not the person I want to be, not the person I should be and not the person I could be.  I was created for so much more.  I think I sell myself short thinking I am just a wife or just a mother.  I want to be so much more and need to be reminded that I was placed on this earth for a reason.  I love my kids and my husband but something seems to be missing at times.  I feel like there is a greater purpose for me that I have not discovered yet.  I seek to find out what that is...with a greater help of course!


       

Germs, Germs enough already!

This has been a very difficult fall and winter as far as keeping our family healthy goes.  Since my oldest Jordan started Kindergarten the family has gotten almost every illness known to man and with 5 of us it spreads around  like wildfire.  Once again yesterday the germs won the war!  Most people who know me know how big of a germaphobe I am so me and sick children don't go together very well!  The can of Lysol quickly becomes my friend and I follow the sick kid around spraying the Lysol hoping it will work magic.  Why can't you germs leave us alone???  I am still not completely over the last run that went through and now my paranoia will get the best of me until another one of us gets bitten by the bug.  Need prayers of health for the family today so that the rest of us stay healthy!  If only I could get over my fear of illness so I can be a somewhat sane person :(    

A NEW Beginning

Let me be brutally honest-I will probably not win any awards for best wife or mom and I am not proud of it but through all the challenges and TONS of mistakes I have made I have learned from each and every one of them.    I am reminded every day how hard parenting is and how much work goes into keeping a great marriage.  It is a lot of work!!!  No one said parenting would be easy but no one said it would be so hard either.  You would think that after taking on  the challenging and unique behaviors/personalities of multiple foster children and children of our own that we would be pros in the parenting department but you would be sadly mistaken.  I think I am a worse parent now then I was pre-children! Somewhere along the way I lost myself...lost my identity and became bitter and angry.  My life did not turn out the way I planned.  I did not picture my life like this.   But here I am today-today's a new beginning.  Today I vow to not be perfect but to be the best that God intended me to be.  I give up being angry and bitter and instead want peace. I am giving my life back to my Creator because as hard as it may be for me to understand, this is where he intended me to be.   Hopefully this blog will be encouragement to help me to become who I was created to be and to find my identity.